Betty came to my house yesterday morning. After a yummy brunch at The Last Supper Club, our bellies were too full to flop down on the couch and let digestion run its course. I reflected upon the problem of obesity in this country and found one detail puzzling. While I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds, why are most of the serious fat asses found in parts of America where the food sucks? This paradox made my brain hurt so decided to numb it with television.

I subscribe to basic cable, nothing fancy, but one nice feature is the on-demand free movies. There are plenty to choose from and some are even watchable.

The first choice was Six-String Samurai. I had high hopes for this one. World War III happened in 1957, Elvis became king of Las Vegas, and after his death 40 years later, a sword-wielding Buddy Holly lookalike travels through the post-apocalyptic wasteland on a quest to assume the throne. An awesome premise, right? Yes, and that’s all it was.

There were a few entertaining moments thrown in to make the trailers look enticing, but overall, the movie was a bland exercise by the filmmakers in trying to impress the viewer with how cool and edgy they were. Unfortuantely, they were neither. For one thing, sword battles and a PG-13 rating should not go together, not for the discerning patron who demands a flash flood of gore out of this genre. Then there was the annoying child who did nothing but scream. If his character were an altar boy in a movie called “Father McBugger,” he would have had pretty much all the same lines.

Next came Lifeforce, a Golan-Globus Production directed by Mr. Chainsaw himself, Tobe Hooper. The movie is about this hot naked space-alien vampire chick who comes to earth to…who cares, she’s a hot naked space-alien vampire chick.

Actually, there’s a lot more to this movie than her, ahem, charms. Though technically science fiction, it plays more like a Hammer film set in modern London. There is the same kind of tension and dry humor between scientists and figures of authority. There are also murderous zombies running amok. And have I mentioned the hot naked space-alien vampire chick?

I often ask myself how the eighties, that Reagan-era lung oyster of a decade, could produce such great splatter horror such as Lifeforce and Re-Animator. I have no definitive answer. Flashes of brilliance are better enjoyed than explained.