The pandemic made the world a whole lot smaller. Bars were closed. Restaurants were open for takeout and delivery only. Even going to Safeway was an ordeal where you were masked up but had to contend with people in the checkout line with no concept of social distancing.

To preserve our sanity, the best option was to go into full retreat. We had everything delivered, including groceries. The extra money spent was worth it. Becca had a job she had to go to, but I worked from home. When I did go out, it was either to pick up a prescription at Walgreens or go on short walks in an attempt to stay healthy. Other than attending a BLM march in June 2020, we stayed home. The outside world seemed as far away and inhospitable as the surface of Mars.

Neither of us treated sheltering in place as merit badge to be waved in the faces of the gregarious and unmasked. There was no need to signal our virtue with “Stay the fuck home” at every opportunity then feel outré because we said a naughty. We stayed home out of necessity and like necessities, it sucked.

Or rather, it sucked at the time. When the vaccinations came, the world expanded and welcomed us in. We reunited with old bar buddies, went out to dinner, and even ventured north to our beloved Portland. All of these were enjoyable, but we learned that hanging out at home was a lot more fun now that it was not mandatory.

Before long, staying in became our default behavior. We would go out to dinner on special occasions but was about it. Evenings were usually spent on the couch in front of Becca’s laptop watching old movies and TV shows. With ample beer and bourbon on hand, it was not necessary for what we watched to be any good. Our world was very small, and I liked it just fine.

The one drawback was that as the world got smaller, I grew larger. The appeal of going out for my daily walks diminished. The number of people had returned to pre-pandemic level, and groups of them made it their mission to block the sidewalk whenever possible. To avoid them, I decided to ride the exercise bike at home. That worked out for a while until the wheel went out of alignment. Meanwhile, I continued to shove more calories down my piehole than I could ever hope to burn. Hypertension, triglycerides, and diabetes saw the opportunity and ran with it as my girth deployed like an airbag.

This past week, I got it into my head that buying a treadmill would be a good idea. Actually, a Facebook ad put the idea there, but I claimed it as my own because I do not like to feel easily swayed. I conferred with Becca over which kind to get and placed the order on Amazon. It would arrive on Saturday between noon and five. We shelled out an additional twenty bucks to have it hauled up the stairs and put in the office. However, we were not about to shell out an additional 100+ dollars to have the thing assembled. We could manage that ourselves. Easy peasy.

Or so we thought. For starters, the ground screw would not go all the way in. Then there were the bolts to connect the side beams that run between the base and the console. For some reason, there was this blue gunk in the bolts’ threads. This made screwing them in a real adventure. This led to a lot of profanity and some paranoid suspicions that the manufacturer was punishing us for saving a few bucks and going the DIY.

In the end, we got the thing assembled, more or less. Becca powered up the treadmill and took a few steps to make sure the thing actually milled her treads. We celebrated by backing away from this piece of exercise equipment and having a good, stiff drink.

I’ve been on the treadmill since then, short walks mostly. I plan to go at it whole hog starting next weekend, after the arrival of vibration-dampening pads that will hopefully prevent us from pissing off our landlady downstairs.

I am looking forward to daily walks where I do not need to leave the house. I’ll play some punk rock and put one foot in front of the other, safe in my little world and walking down a city street that exists only inside my head.

But will it result in my losing weight? It should. If nothing else, there are those 600 dollars I won’t spending on Taco Bell.