I can’t wait for Paris Hilton to start driving drunk again. She needs to put one wine cooler too many down that deep throat of hers and start running red lights in her Porsche. Her last stint in the slammer was nothing but a tease but this time she’ll be going down, on her cell mate if I have anything to say about it…Angelina “Womb Raider” Jolie keeps adopting third-world babies. By outsourcing childbirth to women who have that as their core competency, she keeps that part of her I think about every night free from the ravages of squirting out pups. You’re a hero to me, Angelina. Call me…Venus Williams just won at Wimbledon. You rock, hot lady jock. Care to trade in that match point for love?…Dakota Fanning has three new films in the works. She’s still a little too green on the vine for my liking but she’ll ripen and I’m a patient man…Which brings us to the girls of Prussian Blue, speaking of jail bait. Those little heiling honeys need to erase the hate if they expect Uncle Ames to ask them for a date…And let’s not forget my favorite golden girls, those luscious lasses from days gone by…We haven’t heard much from Julie Andrews since that botched throat operation gave her a voice like a whoopie cushion. She stole my heart as Mary Poppins and I still care for her deeply. I hope that over the years, a spoonful of sugar helped the calcium go down so she won’t have to pay a lot of do-re-mi to treat her supercalifragilisticosteoporosis…And finally, I give a big Ames C. Pacer shout out to the Sunshine State for the former US Attorney General and avenging valkyrie of Waco, the lovely Janet Reno. Hey Parkinson’s Lady, you can shake it one time for me.