Labia-reduction surgery. I didn’t know such a thing existed outside outside of the fantasies of very angry men who can’t get any. It’s true though. My friend Kat works as a nurse at a plastic-surgery clinic that offers the procedure for about $3300.

That’s not all they offer, of course. If you’ve been horribly disfigured from a shotgun blast to the face, they can take that exploded-calzone face of yours and make you look like Elmer Fudd, just like that kid who liked Judas Priest just a little too much.

For less severe cases, there’s rhinoplasty, breast enlargement, breast reduction, and all manner of alterations to ensure that whatever ugliness you have stays on the inside where it belongs.

The lip lopping baffles me though. How low do a woman’s labia have to hang before surgery becomes a viable option. The knees? Couldn’t she just get each one tattooed with a reclining curvaceous babe? It looks great on the mud flaps of a truck.