Last year, the bus I rode to work had fold-down trays like you find on the backs of airplane seats. They were far preferable to resting your laptop on your knees. The bus eventually got switched out because it had no wheelchair lift and one was needed for some guy on an internship.  The internship lasted a few months, but the bus with the tray did not come back when it ended. No big deal. I liked the tray, but never for a moment did I feel entitled to it.

Time passed and buses came and went. Some were more comfortable than others, but all (except for the one that broke down) reliably got me to and from my job in San Jose. None of them had a tray, but as I said before, no big deal.

That changed today, sort of. The back of the seat in front of me does have a fold-down thingy, albeit one far too small to place a laptop. It’s obviously intended to be a cup holder. An innovator needs to look beyond something’s intended use. That’s why I decided to mentally repurpose it as a castration device.

At first glance, it doesn’t look like it would be terribly effective. Though it is the right size to hold the testicles, it lacks the requisite spring action for it to bite through the scrotum. The game changer is being in a moving vehicle. If you insert your nads and the bus collides with something, the force of your own body flying forward will give the bite all the power it needs. Of course, bus drivers like to avoid getting in accidents so it’s necessary to distract them somehow. This can be achieved with whistles, horns, or the deviously honest “Hey, look at me! I got my balls in a cup holder!”

The how of all this is pretty simple. The why is a bit more complicated. This is not a rational thought so it cannot be understood on a rational level. You need to go down to the bilge water of the human soul where guilt and boredom take turns raping each other to produce offspring like the little thought I just shared.