A Walter Mitty Moment

Come on down to the Oakland Coliseum for one night only. You will be on the edge of your seat as you witness “Celebrating Innocence,” a life-size diorama of children at play, get utterly demolished by the meanest monster truck of them all…KIDFUCKER!!!

This is not the sort of thing one should think about, let alone chuckle over, and certainly not during the weekly engineering meeting.

I keep my head down so no one can see me smirking. If noticed, they may ask me what I’m snickering about and that will not do. There is no satisfactory explanation I can give these people, none that would get them to laugh along at any rate. They’re grown ups and professionals. I just fake it reasonably well.

My boss is laying out the projects and milestones between now and the middle of January. At least I think that’s what he’s talking about. Between my daydreams of monster-truck shows, group sex among the developmentally disabled, and man-eating llamas at the petting zoo, there simply hasn’t been time to pay much attention.

“So Dave, do you think it’s doable?” he asks.

“You bet,” I say, hoping what I’m agreeing to are a few bug fixes and features to be completed at a leisurely pace instead of rewriting the entire code base or sucking his dick.

To be honest, there’s not much to worry about. He’s diligent and driven, but reasonable. Expectations of performance will be realistic. Expectations of fellatio will be non-existent.

As always, I’ll try to keep up my end of the bargain. Deadlines will be met and quality of work will be high. I don’t know if could be considered a great software engineer but I know I’m a pretty good one. I take pride in a track record of accomplishment rather than disaster. This pride is integral to my continued professional success.

That said, you have to admit that a monster truck called “KIDFUCKER” would be pretty damn amusing.

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