When I opened my desk drawer at work yesterday, I noticed that someone had put a box of tampons there.\u00a0 There were 16 of the 18 remaining.\u00a0 Who put them there, and why?<\/p>\n
Since there were a couple of\u00a0tampons missing, I began with the assumption that whoever put them there planted them as a stash for personal use.\u00a0 If this was the case, I could safely eliminate all male coworkers from my suspect list.\u00a0 The same logic could be used to eliminate all the more venerable female ones as well, especially\u00a0the few whose blue-rinse cooters haven’t shed a drop of blood since Hinckley shot Reagan.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, this did not even come close to eliminating the possibilities to a select few.\u00a0 My workplace is pretty large, relatively young, and women make up at least half of it.\u00a0 Even if it did not run afoul of both the sexual-harassment policy and common courtesy, it simply would not be feasible for me to confront and accuse each potential tampon-box planter individually.<\/p>\n
As if the question of who wasn’t perplexing enough, figuring out why seemed absolutely mind boggling.\u00a0 We all have desk drawers.\u00a0 Why would a woman choose to store her feminine-hygiene products in my cube rather than her own?\u00a0 Naturally, I smelled a conspiracy.<\/p>\n
One only has to look through my extensive secret file that is no doubt being amassed in the basement of some quasi-legal shadow-government agency somewhere.\u00a0 “It is hard to imagine how someone who is so chronically inappropriate with the basest of sensibilities and immaturity run riot has neither been incarcerated or beaten to death by decent people.\u00a0 It is our recommendation that Jennings be tempted to perform some loathsome act for which he shall be apprehended and severely punished.”<\/p>\n
In light of this, the motivation behind this becomes pretty clear.\u00a0 The person or persons responsible placed the tampons in my cube in the hope that I would be caught on video taking one one of them out of its wrapper and putting it in the office coffee pot.\u00a0 You know what?\u00a0 I would have done it in a heartbeat too if I had not been onto their little game.<\/p>\n
hese sorts of dirty tricks by the Global Managers are nothing new.\u00a0 One need only look at the tragic case of Phineas Gage.\u00a0 Gage was a railroad employee in the mid-nineteenth century.\u00a0 By all accounts, he was both a conscientious worker and a virtuous person.\u00a0 All accounts, that is, until his “accident.”\u00a0 In 1848 while working as a crew foreman in Vermont, Gage was in the vicinity of some dynamite that “just happened to go off” and\u00a0launch a three and a half foot tamping iron up through his jaw and out the top of his head.<\/p>\n
It is my guess that he learned something he shouldn’t have and because he was a good American, said he would go public.\u00a0 Among the railroad robber barons, only locomotives were allowed to do any whistle blowing.<\/p>\n
The injury changed Phineas Gage forever.\u00a0 The once solid citizen had been transformed into a violent and lecherous alcoholic.\u00a0 Even if he made good on his threat to tell all, no one would trust a man who was known for the horrible sucking sounds his cranium made while he downed one rye whiskey after another and tried to ram his hand up a barmaid’s skirt.<\/p>\n
I was certain that the merciless success of silencing Phineas Gage has emboldened many thuggish operatives over the years and that I was the intended target of this brutal legacy.\u00a0 I have to admit that I was skeptical at first.\u00a0 I was willing to accept as mere coincidence the fact that both of us being in the employ of large profit-motivated organizations, or even that “Gage” and “Dave” have the same number of letters.\u00a0 What I could not dismiss was the undeniable fact that TAMPING IRON THROUGH THE BRAIN is an anagram of INHERIT THROUGH BRING A TAMPON.<\/p>\n
I know that I’m going to have to watch my back to avoid a similar fate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I opened my desk drawer at work yesterday, I noticed that someone had put a box of tampons there.\u00a0 There were 16 of the 18 remaining.\u00a0 Who put them there, and why? Since there were a couple of\u00a0tampons missing, I began with the assumption that whoever put them there planted them as a stash … Continue reading Chariots of the Gauze<\/span>