Sorry all you Clinton, Obama, and Edwards supporters. I’m sure one of these front runners will get the nomination and I’ll vote for him or her next November. Or to be more precise, I’ll vote against the Republican nominee, whichever jingoistic dipshit gets the nod. Go Dems, yay team, and all that.

In the primaries, I’ll have the option of voting my conscience. In my case, that means Mike Gravel. He’s progressive but not a statist weenie like Dennis Kucinich. He wants us out of Iraq and unlike the current Democrats in congress, isn’t content to open cans of wuss ass with non-binding resolutions. He called Hillary Clinton on her shit over her contemptible states-rights stand on gay marriage. His disdain for the War on Drugs weighs in just to the right of lighting my bong for me.

Oh, and I forgot to mention he filibustered to get our troops out of Vietnam and read the Pentagon Papers into the Congressional Record. How fucking cool is that?

This is not to say I agree with him about everything. His call for universal health-care vouchers is well intended but begs the question of how we’re going to pay for it and he’s more protectionist than I am when it comes to immigrant labor. That’s OK. Under President Mike, I can still own a gun if I own a license and have completed my “don’t shoot your foot off” training.

The best thing about supporting Mike Gravel though is that I will never be called to task for it. He’s way behind in the polls and his candor will keep him there. And even if he miraculously wins both in the primaries and the general election, he’ll be 78 years old by Inauguration Day and therefore about as dangerous as Grandpa trying to swing that hammer in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.